Overnight Succession
It seemed absurd there’d be any need to remove Andrew from the line of succession. But then I remembered the plot to the 1991 film King Ralph, in which all of the Royal Family are electrocuted while having their picture taken outside Buckingham Palace. (It probably wouldn’t get made now. It probably shouldn’t have been made then.) In the absence of any working royals, the unemployed lounge singer Ralph (played by John Goodman) becomes heir to the throne due to his grandmother having had an affair with a duke (the man who wrote The Sting and Sleepless In Seattle wrote this).
Since the ex-Duke of York might finally stop being invited to the Mountbatten-Windsor family Christmas (does it scramble anyone else’s head that these people don’t have a real surname and have a made-up one in case they need to fill in a form?) there is now the possibility of a King Ralphian accident wiping out the seven who currently prevent the nonce formerly known as prince from claiming monarchy in the UK, leaving Andrew at home unscathed.
You can probably figure out the names of those currently closer to being fitted for a shiny jewelled hat, but several of the names that come after the sweat-deprived sex-pest would win you the prize on Pointless.
- Miss Sienna Mapelli Mozzi
- Miss Athena Mapelli Mozzi
- Master August Brooksbank
- Master Ernest Brooksbank
These are Andrew’s grandchildren, apparently. Having grown up on a council estate I’m allowed to say that Sienna is a name you’re most likely to hear being bellowed out of a kitchen window. “Sienna! Your fackin’ nuggets is goin’ in the fackin’ bin if you don’t come and get your fackin’ dinner right now! And if Athena’s fackin’ wiv ya, tell her the dog’s already had her Linda McCartney’s so she’ll have to have crisps! Bloody kids…” August and Ernest sound far beter suited to a lifetime of garden parties and waving.